Seen & Heard

Little things I’ve seen & heard:

One of those questions you just wish was in the DSC1 test:

Q: Where’s the best place to shoot a big buck?

A: As close to the truck as possible!


Did you hear about the fellow who was heading for bed one night but was disturbed by noises from his garden shed. Looking outside he spotted a two burglars. He dialed 999, only to be told that there was no police car in his area, but they would get to him as soon as possible.

A couple of minutes later he called the police again. “No need to hurry – I’ve shot the burglars”.

In no time at all police cars arrived from all directions, backed up by an armed response unit complete with helicopter. The thieves were duly rounded up.

“I thought you said you shot the burglars” exclaimed the police chief.

“I thought you said you didn’t have anyone available” said the home owner………

(Overseas readers please note: in Britain even if you do have permission to own shotgun(s) or rifle(s), you certainly aren’t allowed to use them to defend yourself or your property!)


Apparently when a cow dies on an Austrian alpine meadow, it is the responsibility of the farmer to dispose of it. In the good old days, they would call up the air force, who would send a helicopter along, attach a sling to the bovine burden, and cart it away. However, cutbacks and financial constraints mean that there is now a charge to the farmer of around £200 for this service. An alternative method was found (maybe MAFF should take an interest in this?) whereby a demolition expert would place a charge in said cow and blow it, literally, to smithereens! In the course of the next day or so, foxes, crows and any other scavengers on the mountain side, would clear away all remaining evidence of the cows demise. Obviously the demolition men thought they were on to a good thing here, and prices started spiralling, until the reached the stage at which the air force might just as well have been called back. At this point some farmers took things into their own hands, and started experimenting with the Big Bang themselves. Things generally didn’t go too well, especially when one local burgher had 100 kilos of cow land in his swimming pool………


This is not a joke…… I received this email enquiry:
I recently purchased a sako actioned “custom rifle”.  How do I know if it is a rem. mag or a wbg mag?  How do I know if it is the real thing?

My written response was:
What did the guy selling it to you tell you it was? Why did you buy it without knowing? Your only chance of finding out is to take it to your nearest “real” gunsmith and ask him to examine it. Certainly do that before you try firing the thing!

My mental response was:
Should this guy really be allowed to own a firearm?


 This, however, is a joke  (I think!) –  courtesy of BJ in Arizona:

Two rednecks were out hunting one day. They had been walking around for a couple of hours with no luck when one of them dropped his rifle, clasped his hands to his chest, and fell to the ground. His friend sees he’s had a heart attack, grabs his cell phone, and dials 911.

The operator answers, but all the panicking redneck can do is shout out ” Bubba’s dead. Help me, help me… Bubba’s dead!”

The soothing tones of the operator come back: “Don’t worry, I can help you. Just calm down and take it easy. Now, first of all I want you to make sure that Bubba really is dead”.

There is a short silence at the other end, punctuated by a rifle shot.

“Yup, he’s dead. Now what?”


A good friend of mine, Melvyn P, was called out by the police to attend a road traffic accident involving a deer. He was given the home address of the man whose car had been involved, and was told that this fellow would guide him to where the deer was. To cut a long story short, they eventually arrived at the scene of the accident, where Melvyn found a badly injured roe buck. Telling the car driver to stay in his jeep, Melvyn duly dispatched the buck with a shot to the back of the head, then put the carcass in the back of the jeep. Whilst being driven back home, the rather shaken car driver turned to Melvyn and asked, in all innocence, “How long will it be unconscious for?”….


Police in Colorado Springs charged Lucas Hinch with ‘discharging a firearm within city limits’ after he took his computer out of the house and shot it 8 times with a handgun.
How often have you been tempted to do something similar?!


Asked of me on the Swarovski stand at the CLA Game Fair:
“Please could you show me one of those new ‘scopes with the illuminated rectum”


Twice last week, people visiting me expressed surprise when I pointed out that, unless authorised by licence from Natural England, it is illegal to shoot deer at night – officially from one hour after sunset to one hour before sunrise. On both occasions, these surprised people were life-long shooters and land owners.


Germany’s Iron Chancellor, Otto von Bismark, once claimed that the three occasions when the biggest lies are told are: 1/ before marriage  2/ during a war  & 3/ after a hunt!


My favourite bumper sticker, seen on a truck (with lady driver) in Wyoming:

If it’s called ‘Tourist Season’, why can’t we shoot them?


Only in America!
(click to enlarge)BWSterling


In the 31 days of March 2015, American police officers shot and killed more people than British police did in the whole of the 20th Century…..


Once, whilst visiting a bullet manufacturer in The States, I asked why they had decided to offer one particular well established bullet with a syntheitc tip? The response was that it now looked prettier, resulting in them selling more!
I’ll leave you to decide whether that was a serious reply, or tongue-in-cheek…..


Another example of British vs. American “English” is to be found amongst the answers to a knowledge quiz on Whitetail deer in the NRA’s “American Hunter” magazine. When asking about correct placement of your tree stand for the best chance of getting that prime buck, the answer includes a warning about buggering him from his bed. The mind boggles!


Speaking of the differences in understandings between different countries, a jacket was recently returned from England to its manufacturer in Denmark, with the comment that “the zip has gone”. Back came a puzzled reply: “No, the zip is still there!”